Wide Open Spaces

I had what I thought was a panic attack today. I was sitting in Journalism and suddenly, I had a tightening in my chest and felt like the walls around me were closing in. This feeling has been looming over me for the past two days and I can't quite explain it. . .

As a way to self medicate, I decided to be in a place where there are no walls to confine me and no ceilings to keep me down. I grabbed two things: big blue (my king sized giant blue blanket), my fuzzy white blanket and headed to the front lawn (the back yard has some weird noises that come from the bushes and I'm not about to risk being sprayed by a skunk). No phone. This needed to be a "tech free" thing.

I sat down on big blue and wrapped my fuzzy blanket around me and looked up. There were clouds covering the stars, but it felt nice to be in the dark, with fresh air all around me. I guess you could say it was "balmy" out... I hate that word. But it is the best word to describe the temperature. As I sat there I felt myself spreading out into the space around me, muscles relaxing and mind slowing. It's supposed to rain tomorrow, perhaps that will help further calm my mind.

These feelings of panic have been looming over me, I think, because I have been so busy lately,  combined with the stress of moving Bear, me just being paranoid about everything, and plenty of other things. I am in class from 9 am to 7 pm almost every night, working, and then doing homework when I'm not at school. . . It feels as if every second of my spare time is consumed by school when I am at a point where I just want to spend time with my friends, enjoying the weather and being young.

I truly cannot wait to go home and if I could, I would leave right now. Seeing my family and being with Bear will be really nice - he has always been a form of therapy for me. I will rest much easier after I know that he is settled into a good home. Bear is honestly one of the most important people (yes, I consider him a person, my child practically) in my life. He is the only boy that has never broken my heart (almost my toe once but never my heart).

There is something very bonding in our relationship because I know that it is mutually dependent. Part of the reason that I have never been able to give him up is because I cannot believe that anyone would be able to take care of him as well as I can, or deserve him in all of his wonderfulness. It is selfish, I know, but I can't share him and everything that I associate with him. He has been a rock, a foundation through break ups, fights with friends, my mom getting sick, and so much more. I watched a video of our last and only show and almost cried because he looked so handsome and I remember feeling so happy in those moments - focused on nothing but the sound of his hoofbeats and the wind on my face. The wide open spaces that have always healed my soul.